Staring through the clear cold window looking out towards snow farm. There’s a family of tiny ants crawling up there mound and into their frozen white home. Sliding all over the place snow farm goes out of view as we turn the next corner and are up to home base. Stepping out of the car I instantly get shattered by a wall of wind, couldn’t hear a thing mum was saying, she sounded like an alien. Racing to put on my jacket my nose picks up subtle smells coming out of the cafe, coffee, mountain meals, pies. Walking across the carpark and under the cover I peek into the window of the snow shop, it looks amazing in there fresh unused boards jackets, hats and gloves sweet boots and bindings all up on shelves for people to look at. Not wanting to get to distracted by the wonderland I walk into home base it felt like I walked up to the beach on a hot summers day with a ski jacket on. seeing my mates I walk passed the cafe and all the tables and go to sit down. hearing the mountain screaming at me to get out there made me gear up faster.
Getting of the chairlift my board felt fast on the freezing cold snow, skating down to the start of the run I couldn’t help but notice that noise the snow was making, it was like heaps of pasta just getting crushed. Binding up, looking down at the run below me. clean and slick rails the big line as well, and just getting a peep of the medium line. swiftly standing to my feet and getting started down the run with no plan in mind, looking at the upcoming rail got a trick thought up I go off the lip and start sliding along it with speed it kinda feels like getting shot out of a cannon. Executing my trick perfectly me and my board in perfect sync as if we were synchronized swimmers. ending up at the top of the jump section with my breath running away from me I wait and have a look around and see other riders pulling some gnarly tricks of the big air, tripples, dubbles all sorts. Ideas and lines spring into my mind looking back over to the jumps in front of me. Flying of the first jump like a ballerina spinning round a 540 switch 360 of the second, feeling fast I takeoff the last jump and fly to the moon grabbing rail holding on for dear life. That feeling as you pull of a perfect run is indescribable. Flying over the rollers like Eddie towards the chairlifts at the bottom. Frothing to get back to the top and go again. My stomach telling me i’m about to die I decide to go in for lunch. Going up the chairlift I can see most of cardrona, the baby blue sky above me and the clear white snow beneath, the chairlift is in a really nice spot because you can watch the park on the way up and seeing people hitting those features is really entertaining. Carving smoothy on the way to home base admiring this incredible mountain, to my right cut beautifully the half pipe sits standing tall and strong the big air under that perfect rail line and jump line on the other side what an amazing place.
Now satisfied I take of a layer or two before heading back out. Blinded by the sun when leaving the building, I thank myself for getting rid of those layers. My boots are sweating when walking through the muddy slushy snow. Making my bindings click and down to the chairlift I slide battling the sloggy wet snow for speed, but my cheesegrater wouldn’t go. On the chairlift the mountain looks empty after lunch not a person in site not hearing any clanging of rails, swoops of jumps or wet sloppy sounds makes the mountain silent the only thing u can hear is the subtle sound of the chairlift in the background. Standing at the top of the run and the mountain looks carved out like a pumpkin on halloween this could be why it’s so empty going towards the jump I notice the lack of speed, stopping and taking of my board, I notice how dry the underneath is. The realization hits me its to hot the snow is so incredibly slow I cant hit any features. Going in slowly but surely the cliff to my right is dripping with water blocks of snow melting of the roof dirt all around me snow farm has no white. The ant mounds are no longer icey cold, going back down the windy muddy road I say goodbye; for now.
2 Comments
Add Yours →Hi Seth,
Good work on making a start with this piece.
A few things to think about:
– Maintain your ‘showing’. There are moments that are fantastic and well thought out and others that don’t fit with the rest of your piece. Find that balance between figurative and literal so that your reader doesn’t get lost in your scene.
– Many of your sentences don’t make sense. They are either missing words or punctuation. Read them back over, possibly out loud to yourself, so that you can hear your mistakes.
– Developing the details past a single sentence. You want aspects of your scene to ‘interact’ with each other. Using connective phrases, prepositions and conjunctions will help you do this.
Mrs P
Hi Seth,
You have made good progress with this during the past couple of hours.
Be careful not to get caught up in the feelings or events of the scene. At the moment, this piece is tipping too far into a monologue. You must focus on describing the scene, not creating the narrator.
A few other things to think about:
– You have a lot of mechanical errors in this piece at the moment. You need to look closely at your spelling, grammar and syntax to ensure your work reads accurately. Have a go at reading it out loud. This might help you to spot these errors.
– There is a lot of ‘tell’ happening. As we discussed in class, let the verb you have selected show the reader what sense you are appealing to, rather than naming it (even with synonyms). Ensure you are appealing to a range of senses and using language devices such as personification and metaphor. Similes are fine but do not overload your work with them. They start to sound simple after several are delivered in close proximity.
Make sure you read over all the feedback during your editing time so that you can best implement it.
Mrs P